Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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