i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
being pregnant is like rehab
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
