So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
