I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
