She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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