eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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