so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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