we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
