i think my mom watched the whole time
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
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I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
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I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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