There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I AM VODKA MAN
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
