Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize