her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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