I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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