I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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