i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
