My boss' voice literally gives me gas
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
