I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
