pop tarts are not kleenex
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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