oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
