last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
