Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
