Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
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Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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