you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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