I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
