i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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