you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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