There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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