My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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