The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
