Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
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Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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