He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Still dying that you shit outside
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
