I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
