I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you win again, gameday.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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