If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
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dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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