my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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