just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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