He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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