We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
