I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
