Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
