I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
