I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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