Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
