I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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