covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
