im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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