I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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