Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
