he puts the penis in happiness.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
