Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
