You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
