So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
