dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
