you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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