I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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