Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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